hoyi's Weblog

　　本文同步自Facebook下山人之友會討論區。

　　我下山都快兩年了，「愛的衝撞」這件事可能發生在將近三年前。不過現在回想起來，那天朝會的每一幕都還歷歷在目。

　　這件事發生在高山上的個ｘ處。

　　當時，個ｘ處的最高長官是總經理，而他轄下有一位非常有名，在基層（敦ｘ分行）時代就以勤奮、高要求、草根性強聞名的協理。基於種種原因，這位協理要調離個ｘ處、前往最高（大概有13/14層樓那麼高吧）的山頂上服務；當然個ｘ處的許多同仁們大表不捨（？），但升官總是好事，也就含淚祝福老長官。

　　在這種時候，不能免俗地，某襄理要在朝會時舉辦一些「溫馨感人」的歡送儀式。在正式開始之前，召集所有應參加朝會的人員，他大聲宣布：待會兒在歡送時，我們要來個「愛的衝撞」。

彷彿是午後，依著離職程序單上列出來的項目整理該繳回的雜物和文具，把配戴在左胸口的服務證摘下來放在桌上。想了想，還是掏出相機留下了最後一張影像。猛然有些恍惚：我幾乎都還記得換領服務證的那天，分行經理笑笑喊過我，驀地遞出新的證件，溫言叮嚀「用普通證件照片辦的舊證，記得要還我喏」。

那天，我把新證件別在胸口，心頭緊緊的。

　　十五六歲的時候讀過一本有趣的書，書名叫《別鬧了，費曼先生！》，對其中一段印象非常深刻。

　　費曼參與核彈研究，與妻子阿琳聚少離多。阿琳因為肺疾住進醫院療養，病勢凶險；然而病榻之上她仍然不減俏皮靈慧，和費曼大玩密碼信遊戲－－費曼所在的羅沙拉摩斯實驗室警備森嚴，出入信件都要檢查，兩人偏用密碼寫成有字天書，折騰得檢查人員人仰馬翻。1945年，阿琳病篤；夫妻二人儘管鶼鰈情深，卻難敵長期生離與病魔肆虐，終於死別。

Faith and Passion.

They're the most important things in working. Lost them, everything's not going to be fine.

從今天開始，要一直記得，在工作中不可以失去熱情和信念；對於自己所做的每一件事情要能勇敢而開心地負完全責任。不可以再抱著聽命而為，責任不在我的這種蠢想法，否則我永遠、永遠都會是停滯在原地的傻瓜。

大破而後大立！要有這種決心才可以。

My friends and I had a gathering yesterday at dinner time.

We've known each other for about 1 year. It's the training program that put us together. We are now all in different department / division / branch of the company, but we do have something in common - that is, most of us had entered this firm with great ideal. Some of us quitted our original jobs, turned other offers down, in order to get in here and build our career.

But I guess now we are no more those pure newbies. We're still hard-working, but we've already lost our belief. We will never be that enthusiastic anymore. I don't think I'd be capable of reasoning the result, but I can tell it's not us that are kind of easily-giving-up people. WHAT'S THE REAL REASON THEN?

I got back home, thinking of those days spent at the HR center, and that firm belief that pushed me to drop out from school and quit my last job, couldn't help but burst out crying.

Stupid title. It's nothing like Sleepless in Seattle; I'm not the Meg-Ryan-type woman. It's just... I'm kind of exhausted but I can't sleep.

It was like hell having such a day as the beginning of a week.

I got extremely tired owing to one whole sleepless working night. I tried to do my best but can't help complaining secretly, well, since they always ask me / us to schedule everything properly and leave MUCH time for "the authority" to make their decision, how come they themselves always hand out the task at the last minute?

It's no big deal, though. That's job, I know. I can take that if other things go well.

But they just don't.

One of my mates who were in the same team with me while being trained sent a mail to the whole team, telling that he's going to quit the job at the end of June. He's not the only one who decide to leave recently. I've already lost Ding, who entered EB division with me last December. Probably I'll lose more mates in the near future, for sure, if the situation goes on.

Having a really bad headache and being tired and shocked somehow by the news, I walked into the restroom, tried very hard to stop my tears. Still I'm not brave and mature enough - perhaps I never will be THAT brave and mature - to let go of everything and everyone that I treasured so, so, so much.

I'm the one, who's afraid of being abandoned but always be. I'm so exhausted and upset now but no one will really listen. No one would really know.

這篇文章的主旨和我先前寫過的〈北一女有什麼了不起〉差相彷彿，如果讀過了、而不想被我的碎碎念重複轟炸的人，現在可以關掉視窗離開了。

好。我本來打算再取個〈台大有什麼了不起〉一類的名字，蓋這個年頭真只有夠聳動的鬼東西才引得起注意。不過，套句武俠小說裡常說的話，招式使得老了難免讓人看出破綻；文章裡老用一樣的哏（註1），大家讀著也膩味。所以我打算改變策略，把話說白，大概更能表明我在所謂「校籍情結」問題上的立場：

相片是去年初春在淡水商工拍的。

那天薄霧微雨，空氣溼涼，吐納之間只覺得整個人透明了起來，像吞吃了春光。為什麼會從那株櫻樹底下望向天空，終究也不復記憶，只是一方鏡頭裡潑墨似的黑枝和碎吻似的初蕾，真箇「半天縱橫亂阡陌，一樹豔血壓晚霞」。

照這張照片，才像是昨天的事一樣。

她終於還是開口了。儘管今天沒有機會和她深談，但我離開辦公室，真覺得就像洩掉了全身的氣、卸下了所有快樂閒適的武裝。我知道，我們的負擔不同，但心境卻是雷同的。

晚上回家看CSI:LV，看得非常、非常、非常傷心。Sara Sidle獨自一人走在黑暗中的身影、對於一切都失去勇氣與熱情的那種寂寞，知道不管自己再怎麼努力燃燒發光，現狀的冰山都永遠不會流下一滴融化的眼淚那種徒勞的痛苦...... 要努力地笑很簡單，要放心地哭卻很難。

那樣寒冷的寂寞，都這樣浮動著貼近我的皮膚，逼出不得不然的滿身雞皮疙瘩來。

此時此刻，誰都救不了我。

還記得初進公司、正在受訓的時候，顧客服務處的副理來上課。副理口才便給、思緒敏捷，加以風度翩翩，整堂課大家的反應很不錯……不過回想起來，講義上的禮儀、手勢、鞠躬幾度角什麼，都可以忘得一乾二淨，就一句話我始終記得很清楚：

「顧客服務的訣竅，不過就是將心比心罷了。」

前兩天，傑若米發現我在部落格附註擺置入性行銷（笑），忍不住留了段話，笑罵我對工作真是鞠躬盡瘁。

啊，說鞠躬盡瘁我真不敢當，畢竟從無到有、一手打造這張卡片的人，是隔壁組的同事。只是，如果把推出這張新卡片的過程比喻成生產的話，那還真只能用簡媜在《紅嬰仔》裡的一句話來形容：「……就是這顆大頭，讓我生得飛天墜地，眼冒金星」。

於是，請把那句置入性行銷當作我對這群「代理孕母」的深深致敬吧。XD

原諒已經江郎才盡的我用了個很爛的諧音梗。