hoyi's Weblog

週五下班之後微雨，我抓著雨傘在漸濃的夜色裡疾走。上一次這樣趕赴約會是大半年以前了，而下一次有機會這樣為重聚而奔跑，又不知道是幾多日子以後的事。我人緣向來不好，讀書時代留下的朋友並不多；實在沒料到踏進社會，第一份在金融業的工作，給我留下這麼大一群共患難的同期兄弟姐妹。

我好像已經花了太多時間和太多篇幅在寫離開這件事。大概是因為我總是害怕這樣的情節吧？

說再見對我來說總是艱難的。又或者更精確點說，那種遠離某些人、某種生活模式的違和感，在當下或許不會發作－－我幾乎不在說再見的時候掉什麼眼淚，覺得矯情；然而事後回想，想起那些個熟悉的日子、那些個熟悉的微笑，心口驀地一抽。那種壓迫呼吸的隱隱疼痛，總要拖遲好久好久才醫得好。

我一個人坐在九樓的交誼廳。電視播著無聊的恐怖片，桌上還有卡片、筆袋、飲料罐子沒有收。交誼廳的大窗正對著九樓走廊的落地窗，幾週前我們還半生不熟地坐在這裡、一邊聊天一邊看著窗外從深夜變成白天。

It's the night before we leave.

I was sitting in the 9F. discussion room. Everyone besides me had gone back to bedrooms, readying themselves for tomorrow. Alone there I was, feeling that I was just not ...

... ready to go.

呼。

今天早上考完了全科目上機操作，儘管還不知道成績及不及格（詳細情形容週末再述），但整個受訓期間的所有大型考驗，總算是全部告一段落。就這樣，再撐過明天的即席演講，馬上就要結訓了。

今天報財金專題，不開心：（

原因之一是因為今天被主持專題的經理念了。有不少組（大概也包括我們，唉）在報告的過程中，受限於準備時間和本身能力的關係，所以對於所做的題目內容沒辦法特別深入；當然就被講評的經理利眼挑出毛病來，而且一再提醒我們要用功、要花時間、要努力充實自己。

老實說，這些話全都是金玉良言，但我覺得今天的狀況有點「非不為也，不能也」。財金專題的題目內涵非常豐富，每個題目都不是三言兩語可以說盡，事前的準備功夫當然不可少。但是，我們這一陣子在中心上課，每天的時間幾乎都擠得爆滿－－至少我幾乎不曾在凌晨兩點前合眼，而隔天早上又得在七點起床準備上課－－如此的條件，要特意要求報告的品質，也許只能解釋為作出超標準的要求，也都是為了我們好吧。

喔... 好... 不要懷疑，我不是打錯了，誤把分類貼在標題上。這篇要講的就是今天去爬山的經過。

我真的很佩服這些規劃新訓活動內容的學長。基本上，把登山當成課程的一部分真的是很需要一點.... 巧思（？）。台北市近郊能爬的山其實不少，但要挑個適合一百多人一起爬、難度不太高，但卻又不能涼到像在散步的，想必得花上一點時間和腦袋。總之，最後挑的是七星山──據說已經有很多期都循例上山啦。）

Jeremy的前一篇回應讓我想到很多事。

我一直到很晚才發現，自己極不擅處理人際關係。說到底，大概就是永遠捉不著分寸：要嘛太硬、要嘛太軟；幾乎從來不曾恰恰落在中間。

要說硬，大概是硬得讓初識者難以接近，熟朋友又忘了我不見得是不累，只是不說。軟的時候，就是被人家一路吃到底，還要嫌太糯了沒嚼勁。隨著時間過去，「做人比做事難上百倍」這句話真是越發顯出它的價值。

要說到男生們，戰線也許得拉得更長些；不僅是因為人數是（現存）女性組員的兩倍，也因為他們彼此間的差異更大，一眼望去幾乎是滿滿的眼花繚亂。

十三在這裡是個常見的數字，想來是經營團隊取它的諧音，好叫好記，全沒人去想西洋那一套禁忌什麼的。於是，我們這組一開始，就是十三個人；八男五女，清楚俐落地符合母體的性別分配，是一組很漂亮的樣本。

金剛經裡有一段話是這樣說的：「菩薩不住相布施，其福德不可思量。」

我對佛經近乎全然無知，對於這句話的理解是來自幾年前朱敬一老師（註一）的一篇演講稿：《人文社會領域的學思歷程》（註二）。他之所以引用這經句，重點在所謂「不住相」的觀念。他對這句話的詮釋是：「……所謂的不住相，是你去佈施做好事的時候，不要老覺得我在做好事……不要覺得自己是有著痕跡的去做好事。假設把我剛講的彙總成一句話：『人文學者不住相讀書，其功用不可思量。』我們讀書的時候不要『住相』，不要為哪個目的讀書。」

我很偏好這樣的想法。不論此等解法是否合乎經典原義，在生活中的很多小小細節，都一再印證：把自己化成海綿、用力吸收所有可能的養分，是很重要的堅持。誰知道什麼事在什麼場合會派上用場？

It's really a sad day today.

I've slept for about 10 hours last night because I had burned mid-night oil till morning the day before yesterday, preparing for the 3rd week exam. I was not quite sure if studying for such a long time and having no rest was a good idea or not - owing to my own experience while in college, long time of study will be of low efficiency. But since I've got so much that had not been reviewed, I could do nothing but just study.

I'm not feeling well now, physically and mentally. It's not my day today.

Once I thought I'm quite a person that cannot enjoy being alone. However, God's really wise to have given me chances to prove that I can survive somehow. I've got a ex-boyfriend who had been too busy to be my proper company. After breaking up with that guy, I've got YT who's always willing to be with me, yet he has been studying in some schools out of Taipei area for almost 7 years.

Environment and time can even train a pig to fly - oh, don't shake your head. Evolution is always playing trick on us, isn't it?

The exam was quite different from the one of the first week courses.

Shall I explain the testing system first... On Monday mornings we've got to take exams, which contain the content of the former week. No kidding, it's kind of hard - I myself had been an undergraduate student in NTU, and then was a graduate student of TMU; yet I swear, these exams are surely much more threatening than those I'd taken at school. I've studied for the whole weekend - well, ok, I went out with YT, my man, for one movie and dinner at McDonald's. It only took me 5 hours or so, and I burned the mid-night oil till morning on Monday - but I hardly failed.

One who fail to pass the exam will only have one chance to make up - fail again, then you'll get FIRED.

Though I DO feel sorry for those who failed, I still can't help smiling till now. It's really a blessing that we've got the exam results today, and none of my teammates got less than 70 - which is the line between pass and fail. Under so much different pressures, I feel really happy on knowing this and almost hugged the one sitting next to me. XD


I'll try to study harder because I'm not really satisfied with my stupid score. All those practice and study will surely take me a lot of time, please wish me good luck, friends.

Surely I don't have to restate the terrible days here. Er, probably not that terrible but I'm really exhausted having SOOOOoooo many classes everyday.

The other day I'd written an article on my personal board, which is on ptt2.cc, which described my detailed daily life here in the L&D center. One of my old friends, Arlo, made a comment - "oh well, you're spending days even more intensive than we had while in military service!"

It's true.

Whatever. I am glad that I've learned lots of things on banking. I'll do more writing (like this murmuring and, well, some really stupid but important THESIS) while being home this weekend. May God bless me and all of you, my beloved ones!

From Land Bank just then.

I'm kind of... feeling sorry, though I'm not quite sure for what or for whom. Probably it's because I've decided to take a way, which will surely be very different from what I had expected. Maybe.

Tracing back the day on which I've got the exam result, well...

We've always got to make really difficult choices. The older I am, the stronger the feeling be.

I'm not unhappy but I'm not happy either.

Well. This article is going to be written in English owing to my being lack of time. So I'm going to describe the longest week in my life (well, at least till now) with poor English.